


First

by RoseCathy



Series: Don’t Let Me Go [3]
Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Angst, First Kiss, First Time, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-24
Updated: 2014-03-02
Packaged: 2018-01-13 15:17:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 5,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1231249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoseCathy/pseuds/RoseCathy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prequel to <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/1225003">No Accounting for Taste.</a> Inspired by <a href="http://reddwarfslash.livejournal.com/293792.html">Concession</a> by Tsukinobun, which ripped my heart out and tore it into teeny, tiny little pieces.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Still writing a series backwards. Many thanks to everyone for the feedback on the other two stories.  
> The rating will probably change later on.

The droid authors of _The Traveller’s Guide to Garden Planetoids_ had failed to mention the colour of the star-rise. Each morning, it showered Starbug’s cockpit in green and purple rays as well as red. It was beautiful in its own way, but hardly conducive to a cheerful morning. During the day, Rimmer avoided the front of the ship as much as possible; the starshine reminded him too much of his bruised heart. _How maudlin is that? I must be going space-crazy. But it’s true._

He knew what he was doing was only speeding up his descent into madness. Thirty days he’d lived (as if were) with all communication channels shut off. A month of blissful silence. No, not silence; he was alone with his thoughts, or a filtered version thereof.

Here, Rimmer could dream freely of love. No Kryten fussing about, no Cat prancing around, and above all no Lister to interact with in a way that was increasingly painful for Rimmer. They had become comrades, friends even, and when Lister looked at him, it was more often than not with fondness. But no matter how much those _beautiful…so beautiful. Why?_ brown eyes looked, they didn’t _see_. They were fixed on the stars, looking for his true love.

Rimmer could have withstood all that for the decades that lay ahead of them. Then one day, incredibly, Lister’s true love came back to him.

\------

On this lushly vegetated planetoid, Rimmer didn’t have to look at those eyes, or indeed any other part of Lister that stirred him. He could enjoy the beautiful scenery, or he could not, as he chose. When he closed his eyes now, he could see a different Lister altogether, one whose eyes would search for _him_ across time and space.

At night, Rimmer no longer had to listen to Lister’s soft breathing or not-so-soft snores, tormented by the knowledge that he could (in theory) climb up the ladder, reach out and touch - this was the point where his thoughts tended to spiral out of control, into _What if I just asked him to move over? We all get lonely, after all_ and other such awful, tempting ideas. Things didn’t get any better after The Return, when Lister would often go off to make up for lost time with Kochanski.

Here, alone on Starbug, Rimmer could curl up and indulge in the (more than) occasional romantic and/or filthy dream without having to worry about sounds or movements giving him away.

The dreams always ended badly — that is, he woke up, often in tears that continued into bitter sobbing — but he kept going back to them.

\------

On the thirty-second evening of Rimmer’s so-called planet-leave, an almighty banging noise wrenched him awake. He had put his head down on the dinner table just for a moment, tired after a walk around the planetoid. _I really must exercise more_ , his first thought upon waking, was swiftly replaced with absolute panic. He got to his feet, but his goited brain couldn’t decide which way to step.

“Rimmer!” _Bang, bang, bang._ “Are you in there?”

_Shit._

_Bang, bang._ “Rimmer! Open the door!”

Rimmer stayed rooted to the spot. His instincts told him to run towards that voice, but he wasn’t ready to shatter the illusion — all his illusions — and give up the comfort of his mental isolation.

 _Bang, bang, bang._ “Rimmer?” A more worried tone. “Look, I’m not mad or anything. I just want to check you’re okay.”

Something twisted in Rimmer’s gut, such as it was. _Smeg._ One caring word and he was ready to throw himself at the man’s feet.

He crossed the room to the controls and blindly jabbed at some buttons. The door slid open, and Lister stood before him, outraged expression and all.


	2. Chapter 2

“What the smeg are you playing at, Rimmer?”

The words went through Rimmer’s heart like a dagger. He was back sitting at the table, head in his hands, unable to meet those eyes.

“You say you need planet-leave. You insist on some godforsaken planetoid a week away, so we can’t move until you come back. You land, right, and then smeg all! We float for weeks, waiting for you say _something_ about when you’re coming back, then we see that you’ve gone and disconnected the comms! What exactly was the idea here, Rimmer?”

 _To save myself._ “Stop yelling at me, Lister.”

“Were you even planning to come back, Rimmer? Or were you gonna make us wait forever?”

 _As if you would have._ “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know,” Lister repeated incredulously. “What do you mean, you don’t - look, this is stupid. Rimmer, look at me.”

 _I can’t. I know what I’ll see in your eyes if I do._ Before he could stall more, he felt a placating hand on his shoulder.

 _Don’t touch me. You’ve never wanted to touch me._ “No.”

The hand stiffened. “No what?”

With all he had left, Rimmer forced himself to look up and meet Lister’s eyes. “No, I wasn’t planning on coming back. And no, I didn’t expect you to wait forever. You would have given up eventually.”

Lister had the temerity to look hurt and confused. “Why?” He plunked himself down on the table, still searching Rimmer’s face for a hint of reason. “Why would you think - why would you do that? You know I need you around. Keep me sane, remember?”

Rimmer couldn’t take this anymore — the solicitous words, the trying to reason with him. “You don’t need me!” He burst out of his chair, then promptly regretted it; he grabbed the edge of the table for support. “You have Kochanski back. That’s all you ever wanted. _She’s_ all you ever wanted.” He was so accustomed to crying freely by now that he didn’t even try to blink his tears away. “You no longer need me.” _You never needed me, Listy. Not like I needed you. Can’t you see the problem?_

“That’s not true.”

“I’m not coming back.”

“But I miss you.”

Rimmer was sure he’d heard wrong. “What?”

Lister looked at him blankly. “I miss you. I missed you when you went off to be Ace, and I miss you now…why is this surprising?”

“Because,” was all Rimmer could think to say.

“Rimmer…” Lister frowned at him. “Is that what this was about? You figured I didn’t care if you left, so you decided to test that by leaving? What sort of smegged-up reasoning is that?”

 _What’s smegged up is me. Me and this whole situation._ “Look, Lister, I have no wish to discuss this further. Just leave me here with Starbug and I’ll survive. I’m sure you’ll survive too, even if you…miss me.” _Soon, you won’t._

“You don’t believe me, do you?” Silence. “You really want me to go?”

 _Yes,_ Rimmer was on the verge of screaming. _I want to go back into my mind. Why did you have to drag me out? Why did **you**?_

But at that moment, something told him that he was doomed either way.

“No, I don’t want you to go.” He practically vomited the words onto the floor; he couldn’t stop them, and he couldn’t look up. “I love you. I love you so much it hurts. But you love Kochanski, and it was driving me mad, for…” There was the stopper, far too late. “For years.”

When he didn’t hear anything, he continued in a whisper, “Do you see why I had to get away? There’s nothing left for me on Red Dwarf. Not…” He gasped. Hands had come up under his chin and lifted his face up to -

“Rimmer…”

Lips touched his, softly, very softly. Rimmer frantically shut his eyes, too afraid to face what was happening to him. He forgot to breathe; his mind whirled. _This isn’t happening. It’s not real. Time to wake up -_ and just like that, Lister was gone. But whose arms were holding him?

Lips met his again, a little more forcefully this time, and he resigned himself to dreaming a bit longer.

\------

Rimmer awoke, or so he thought, to find his face buried in Lister’s shoulder. He breathed in the scent of leather, of cigarettes, spices, everything that he hadn’t realised he missed.

A husky voice startled him out of his thoughts. “I want to stay, Arnie.”

“Stay?” Rimmer repeated blankly.

“For the rest of your planet-leave. To figure this out, like.”

Rimmer decided to risk lifting his head. What was that look on Lister’s face? What were they doing, clinging to each other like…like some couple in a romantic film? What did Lister mean by “this”? Had he just called him “Arnie”?

Lister took his silence as permission to continue. “I, erm…I’m glad you told me how you feel. It’s good to be honest about feelings and…all that smeg.” _When did I…oh. Shit._ “I want us to try.”

“Try?”

“Being together. I should have realised…I never meant to hurt you.”

Rimmer winced. _Can you even fathom how much you’ve hurt me?_ “I don’t want your pity.”

“That’s not what this is.”

“What about Kochanski?”

“She’s gone.”

“Gone?”

Lister smiled ruefully. “I wouldn’t have kissed you if I was still - ” He trailed off, perhaps to stop himself from saying something insensitive. “We had a good go, but it didn’t work. Not really. Then it turned out she’d been working on a way to get back to her own dimension, all along…couldn’t blame her, you know? It was hard, but I had to let her go. I’m not sure if she ever intended to stay.”

“Then why aren’t you pining after her like you did for…for…” Rimmer sighed. “What was it all for?” _If that was all it was going to be, why did you break my heart for so many years?_

“I don’t know, really.”

“What _do_ you know?” This time, it was Lister who winced, hearing the bitterness in the question.

“I know that I miss you.” He tilted Rimmer’s face up again. “I know I need you in my life, and I know I want to be closer to you. _Close_. Like this.” Rimmer saw something like fear in his eyes. “Is that enough?”

Was it enough?

Lister wanted to be close to him. Lister had kissed him. Lister wanted to stay with him. It wasn’t a dream. It wasn’t a dream come true, either, but maybe it had to be enough. All he knew was that he couldn’t let Lister walk away.

Tentatively, he leaned forward and brought their lips together.

_Love me back. If not right now, then some day…some other year. Please._


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Definitely not rated G anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter and the next two were edited for stylistic reasons.

Lister was dreaming. Feather-light kisses on his cheek. A hand stroking gently down his dreadlocks. He smiled beatifically as he pulled his blanket around his shoulders. He was in for a good night.

Rimmer watched his face, wondering who he was dreaming about.

\------

Some hours later, he felt his palm land on cooled sheets. His simulated heartbeat stopped cold.

He distinctly remembered asking “Are you real?” and the dark eyes that sparkled in response. A warm mouth on his. A reassuring squeeze of his hand. He felt like screaming.

He cried far too easily these days, but it didn’t matter — there was no one to see. Tears blurred his path as he stumbled downstairs, through the midsection, into the bruise-coloured starshine.

“Rimmer?”

A red-clad figure jumped out of the pilot’s seat. Rimmer watched it stupidly; was it running towards him?

“Arn.” A tender voice. Familiar. “I’m right here. Don’t cry.”

A hug. Lips pressed to his face. Reality settled around him — _them_ — and Rimmer felt his heart start up again.

\------

“I shouldn’t have left you alone,” Lister mumbled. They were back in bed, wrapped up together, noses touching.

“Quite all right.” Rimmer could barely hear himself over his shame.

“Just needed to think. I’ve never been with a bloke before, you know? There’s some…considerations.”

“Considerations.”

“Yeah.”

“Like what?”

“Like…”

Lips latched onto Rimmer’s neck, trailing kisses up and down, to his jaw and back again. _I can’t breathe._ Hands slid under his shirt, exploring, caressing his chest. _I can’t breathe. How can anyone breathe when it feels like this?_

“You feel good.” A rough whisper. “Feel strong. Warm.”

“Like what?” he repeated belatedly, his mind reeling. _This is real. This is real._

“Like how to do this properly.”

“I really wouldn’t know, Listy. I’ve read some things, but it’s not as though I’ve received any practical training. Just reading.” Rimmer no longer knew what he was saying, because he was lost in Lister’s eyes. He had longed for this, for being able to stare into them for as long as he liked. In his peripheral vision, he noticed stray curls jutting out from Lister’s head. “Your hair looks funny.”

Lister chuckled. “So does yours.” He ran a hand through the greying mass. “I like you like this. All scruffy and…” Rimmer never found out and what, because their mouths met for what was already the 126th time. Or thereabouts.

\------

The following evening, Rimmer was learning that kisses and bites on his ear made him arch and squirm helplessly. _Still…can’t…breathe. Just as well that I don’t actually need -_ nonetheless, he sucked in a welcome gulp of air when Lister climbed on top of him. _Smeg. You’re so beautiful._

“Take your shirt off for me?”

By the time Rimmer understood what he was doing, what _they_ were doing together, he’d removed all of his clothing. Feeling the need to even the score, he pulled at the buttons on Lister’s _ridiculous unnecessary_ long johns, flushing at how eager he must look.

At last, they were both naked. Rimmer felt a hand move down his body, stroking along… _oh._ “Is this okay?”

His embarrassment evaporated, and he huffed out a laugh — he couldn’t help it. _Of course it’s okay, you gimboid. How could it not be?_ Sloppy kisses turned into open-mouthed gasps as Lister’s hand worked over his cock, gentle at first, then building up into a rhythm to match the electricity of the atmosphere. Then his eyes flew open; hot, hard flesh to match his own was pressing and rubbing against -

“Look at me.” He already was, but he understood why Lister was asking. It was the urgency, the need to make their connection as intimate as possible. “Your eyes…” Lister looked frantic now. “I want to see you come.”

Rimmer heard himself inhale sharply before he spilled onto Lister’s hand on a succession of moans that he couldn’t believe were coming out of him. His eyes were locked on Lister’s the whole time; the wonder he saw in them shook him to the core. _This is real._

And then they were kissing again, but there was no time to dwell on that. He had to do something about the desperate sounds he heard. He carefully took hold of Lister’s cock, recalling all the things he had dreamed of doing with it. He rolled Lister onto his back. _This is real._

Lister somehow sensed what he was about to do. “Rimmer, you don’t have to…” But it was too late; he had waited too long for this. He flushed again as he plunged that lovely cock into his mouth with abandon, daring himself to take it deeper, harder. _So hard._ Hips rocking forward, small thrusting motions…he grunted in pleasure. _Whatever you want, Listy. Anything. I’ll do anything -_

The bitter fluid that flooded his throat threatened to choke him, but Rimmer couldn’t bring himself to care. He was too busy replaying Lister’s cry in his mind. _“Yes…fuck! Fuck, Rimmer, you’re so - ”_ Had he heard “beautiful” at the end there? _That’s odd. That’s how I’d describe you._

\------

They lay nestled together, Rimmer’s hand mapping all the places he’d neglected earlier. Lister looked over coyly. “So, all that from reading?”

Rimmer looked back, confused. “Reading?”

“Well, you said you had read about it.” _It? Oh. It._ “I just wondered…didn’t expect it to be so…”

“Oh.” Rimmer shifted uneasily. Lister looked positively fascinated by the flush that was creeping up his neck, spreading to his face and ears and the roots of his hair. ”That is…I’ve had, er, dreams. Once in awhile,” he added defensively.

“Only once in awhile?” He could tell Lister wasn’t fooled. _Oh, dear. Oh, Rimsy, Rimsy, Rimsy. You’re in for it now._

“So.” Lister’s smile was even wider now, verging on predatory. “What else have you done in your dreams?”

Defeated, Rimmer sighed and began to describe one of the tamer scenarios. No need to burden Lister with the full extent of his filthiness. Not yet.


	4. Chapter 4

Objectively speaking, things were going well.

So far, Lister had no complaints about the outlandish adventure he had embarked on. It was totally mad, yet it also made perfect sense. When he had jumped into Blue Midget to come looking for Rimmer, he knew it was because he couldn’t live without the bastard. Not again. He didn’t bother ferreting out exactly why until -

“Listy?”

A sleepy voice. A hand moving over his chest.

“Hiya.” Lister turned so that they were nose-to-nose, with other body parts quite close as well. ”I’m here.”

“Good.” Rimmer’s eyes blinked open. Lister felt his cheeks grow warm as they focused on him, remembering how they had held his gaze the night before, when those incredible sounds came out…

“Are you _blushing_ , Lister?” Aha. There was the old Rimmer, lit up with glee at having something to tease him about.

“What if I am, smeghead?” Lister grabbed Rimmer by the shirt and pulled until he felt a moan in his mouth. He was going to wipe that smirk off and have fun doing it.

\------

The next few days weren’t as sex-filled as either of them might have imagined. Sometimes they lay together for hours, having a quiet evening in, just kissing and talking; Rimmer divulged some more of his (milder) fantasies, and Lister filled him in on Red Dwarf news while he filled the notebook in his mind. _Blowjobs in the midsection? Well, why not in the navigator’s seat?_

They both avoided the Big One. The L-word. Lister sensed that Rimmer wasn’t ready to say it again, would never be ready unless (until?) it was perfectly safe to do so. He was waiting for a moment that he wasn’t sure would ever come.

Lister was afraid. He understood now that, without meaning to do it, he had stamped repeatedly on Rimmer’s heart. All the smeg with Kochanski. He didn’t regret that in itself; his feelings had been genuine, even if she wasn’t the real, the original, the in-universe Kris. Even if their connection was based on ideals and attachments that had been formed too long ago. They had done the right thing by giving it another try.

And now he was here. Rimmer needed him, and…did he need Rimmer? On the most fundamental level, the answer was “Of course.” But in what way, he couldn’t be certain. He loved being with the man, touching him, sleeping beside him; this was less of a hurdle than he’d expected. _I am an enlightened 23rd-century guy, after all._ He cherished the brief glimpses of the git from underneath the adoring ( _terrifying_ ) looks. But did he love the man himself? Could he avoid hurting Rimmer even more than he already had?

“Dave…” Lister already knew that tone. Wheedling, needy…sexy.

“Yeah?”

“I want…” Rimmer seemed unable to finish the request. Lister could have teased him about it, drawn out the torture, but he didn’t particularly want to wait. He lunged.

 _Not one of our quiet evenings in, then_ , Lister reflected wryly, sliding down toward a waiting erection. Rimmer was anything but quiet.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to write some plot-advancing angst/fluff/angstfluff, I really did. But the porn fairy wouldn’t let me go until I wrote this. Sorry.

“I want to try something.”

The look on Lister’s face was equal parts seductive and frightening. Although Rimmer (rather to his own surprise) wasn’t a total coward when it came to sexual endeavours, he found some of Lister’s suggestions more unpredictable than he — or at least the straitlaced part of him that most people saw — would have preferred. Especially when they were accompanied by that unearthly glow in his eyes. Was that what love looked like? Were they making progress? _Oh, stop it, you goit. You don’t want to know._

“What is it this time? I don’t think my back’s quite recovered from last night,” he replied dryly. He knew that Lister knew that it was a pretence.

“Come over here and I’ll tell you.”

Rimmer sighed theatrically and let himself be seated on the edge of the bunk. _Smeg._ His body was already used to this, and any thoughts of feigning reluctance flew out the porthole at the sight of Lister sinking to his knees. He closed his eyes and savoured the sound of his zip going, and… _fuck, Dave, your mouth. I can’t believe you let me do this._

“ _Rimmer_. Pay attention.”

“Too late,” Rimmer shot back. “Can’t think anymore.” He opened his eyes anyway and looked down curiously at Lister, who had paused in his efforts. Why did he look so intense?

“I want you to fuck my mouth.”

_What?_

“I know it happens sometimes, when you’re excited and that. But I want you to do it on purpose. As much as you want.”

 _Oh. Oh my._ “Are you sure?” Lister nodded, eyes still smouldering.

Rimmer took a deep breath. “Right. Shall we, er…resume?” _Oh, god._ He couldn’t close his eyes this time, not even when he saw Lister open his greedy mouth again.

He tried a quick initial thrust, gently, not wanting to take advantage…but that was what Lister wanted. Wasn’t it? He thrust again and heard an encouraging grunt this time. _Maybe a little more._

Lister pulled off impatiently. “You’re not trying hard enough,” he chided. “Do it right.” Rimmer couldn’t tell whether he was actually annoyed or just playing the game; either way, the scolding was extremely effective.

He watched the scene play out from above: He stood, gripped Lister by the shoulders, and pushed hard and fast, in and out. He heard (and felt) the fantastically loud moans around his cock, the wet noises, the rush of blood in his ears. _Is this is how it feels to be inside…ohgodohgodohgod._ More moans. Louder moans. Panting and whimpering. _More…harder…_ He saw himself move his hands to Lister’s head and all but cram his cock down the man’s throat. It was too much. He couldn’t stop, but it was too much, it had to be hurting -

“ _Fuck!_ …I’m…” He was grabbing at Lister’s hair, pulling harder than he ought to, pumping desperately into that hot, wonderful mouth. _I’m sorry,_ he was about to say, before his mind blanked out.

  


Rimmer fell back onto the bunk in a daze. Lister watched him with a smug smile. “That wasn’t so bad.”

“Hold on…” As Rimmer caught his simulated breath, his eyes took in Lister’s obscenely swollen lips and flushed face, and they immediately turned sober. “I don’t want to - you don’t have to do things that…” He made a vague hand gesture. “Hard.”

“Oh, eh? You don’t have to let me bite you, either, but I don’t hear you complaining.” Lister pulled himself up to sit beside Rimmer. “You liked it, though. ’Cause you’re a kinky sod.” He was still grinning, riding the high, even though his own erection was throbbing uncomfortably.

Rimmer sighed. “I suppose.” For a few precious moments, Lister watched his chest rise and fall. _Strong, big chest…lovely. Really lovely. Love? Is this…_ But ah! Was that a smile? A smirk? A smile. Definitely a lascivious smile. “Let’s see how much _you_ like it, miladdo.”

 _Smeg. Didn’t expect that._ “You serious, man?”

“I’m a man of honour, Listy.”


	6. Chapter 6

“Oh, sir, I’m delighted! It’s just not the same without you. Even Mr Cat has been out of sorts.”

“Thanks, Krytes. We should be there in about eight days.”

Kryten seemed to take no notice of the pronoun. “Marvellous. I’ll put our softest sheets on your bunk.”

Lister jumped guiltily. “Er…yeah.” He paused. “Looking forward to it. Cheers, man.” Lister set the comm to “Off” and turned around. As he’d suspected, Rimmer was hovering in the doorway.

“Are we moving up to yours, then?” There was just a smidgen of acerbity in the question, just enough to betray his feeling of…well, betrayal.

“Arnie,” he began in what he hoped was a soothing voice, but he lost heart at the sight of Rimmer biting his lip and shaking his head, eyes cast down.

“Don’t call me that.”

“But - ”

“Not right now. It doesn’t feel…not right now.”

Lister’s fear, which had been dormant under their shared haze of happiness, roared to life. For a long moment, they both stood there, trying to breathe quietly, as if to avoid disturbing the other.

Eventually, Rimmer looked up. “You’re as much a coward as I am.” A casual observer might have thought he was being lighthearted, mocking. Lister knew differently. _I already know you so well. Already? I meant finally._

“I know,” he whispered. Before he could do anything else stupid, Lister crossed the room and pulled Rimmer into a kiss. When they separated, he saw a hopeful spark in Rimmer’s eyes, barely detectable underneath the turmoil, and his heart sank. He knew what the hope was.

“That was - it’s - for Kryten. We don’t want Kryten losing his head again,” he babbled. Yes, that sounded very reasonable. Sensible. “Had a hell of a time looking for a head. I told you what he was like when me and Kris - er - ” _Shut up! Just shut the smeg up!_

“I understand.” Rimmer suddenly sounded every bit as reasonable and sensible. “Are you coming to bed?” Lister’s head spun at the turnaround.

“Sure, man. I should, er…I won’t be long.”

He really wasn’t, but Rimmer was asleep by the time he crawled into the bunk.

\------

“We had a good go, yeah, but it didn’t work. Not really.”

Rimmer trembled. The very words that had given him hope, and Lister was throwing them back at him.

“It’s hard, but I have to let you go. If I’m honest, I’m not sure if I ever - ”

“ _Stop!_ Stop. I get the picture.” He crossed his arms and looked down, trying desperately not to cry. He hadn’t cried in so long. He hadn’t needed to.

Lister’s voice was full of pity. Nothing but pity. “I’m sorry, Arn.”

“Don’t.” Rimmer gasped. He was lying in a darkened room, and Lister was fast asleep next to him. He was sweating, his pulse hammering away. For the first time in weeks, he cursed his hard-light form.

Then he cursed himself — again — for overreacting. Of course they had to break the news gently to the others. _What **is** the news, anyhow? It’s not as though we’ve sat down and discussed it._ He would have been caught off-guard too; it was difficult enough under normal circumstances to get a word in edgewise when Kryten was bustling with enthusiasm, and as for the Cat, it was anyone’s guess what he would say. If he deigned to say anything.

_But if things were different, if he loved - if he could just say -_

In a flash, he was climbing over Lister and out of the bunk. He needed to get out. He needed air.

\------

Some ten minutes later, Lister found Rimmer slumped against the wall outside the sleeping quarters. He resolved to do what he felt was best under the circumstances: pretend that things were normal. That seemed to be Rimmer’s tactic as well.

“What’re you doing?”

“Couldn’t sleep.”

“Right.” He squeezed Rimmer’s hand, just as he’d done every day for the past - how many days? _19? 20. Only twenty. Surely he doesn’t expect me to say…_ “Come back to bed. I miss you.”

Rimmer’s smile was as bright and playful as he’d ever seen. If there was a suggestion of sadness there, Lister ignored it. Normal. Everything was normal. “If you make it worth my while.”


	7. Chapter 7

Starbug was officially on a course back to Red Dwarf, Blue Midget trailing along. According to the readings, it was currently Day 3 of 7.

Most of the time, Lister didn’t think about the day before they left. It was easy to forget amid the kissing, the embraces, and the sex. And the bickering — one couldn’t neglect the bickering. Rimmer was displeased at the way Lister’s possessions had taken over the ship. When he’d left in Starbug, he hadn’t anticipated this amount of packing and cleaning; in fact, he hadn’t anticipated packing at all. He complained, Lister defied his attempts at exercising authority, and they compromised by falling into each other’s arms.

Nonetheless, Lister had trouble sleeping at night. The hope he had seen in Rimmer’s eyes that day haunted him. In the beginning, he’d thought of this, mad as it was, like any relationship; usually, attraction brought people together, and declarations of love might come later after they’d had time ( _more than three smegging weeks_ ) to explore and assess. _It’s not fair. I started at a disadvantage._

No — if either one of them had started at a disadvantage, it was Rimmer.

If Lister said those three words now, Rimmer would be happy. He might not let go of all of his neuroses, but he wouldn’t be so prone to injury. Even if Lister slipped once in awhile and brought up Kochanski, he would be reassured by the idea that Lister was committed to him, that they would be each other’s whole universe for the foreseeable future.

But to do that would be to give in to pity, surely. Rimmer didn’t want his pity. He wouldn’t accept — and didn’t deserve — anything less than the genuine article.

Lister punched his pillow in frustration, remembering too late that he wasn’t alone.

“Flower seeds,” Rimmer mumbled. “Pack seeds. No smegging trunk space.” His arm came around to hug Lister. “All your fault, Dave.” Lister let himself be taken, snuggling close, and buried his face in the join between Rimmer’s neck and shoulder.

\------

In some ways, Rimmer preferred these moments to sex. He was sat at the navigation console; Lister was in his lap, arms wrapped securely around him, and kissing him as if he were the rarest, most precious thing in the universe. During these moments, Rimmer could almost believe that Lister reciprocated his feelings, or would do so soon. Quite soon.

“I’ve got an idea.”

_Oh, god. What is it now?_

Hands — strong, capable hands — sneaked under his collar. “Let’s do it here.”

“Here?” Somehow, none of Rimmer’s fantasies had included the cockpit; he supposed it was because he had avoided the area while he was alone. “I, er…don’t know about that.” His eyes wandered to the windscreen.

“There’s no one there, Rimmer. Just space.” Lister pressed closer. “We’ll be a couple of space heroes, you and me…having an adventure.”

“An adventure,” Rimmer repeated, dazed. “We’ve certainly had some of those in here.”

“Yeah. Not like this, though.” _Smeg._ He loved it when Lister’s voice softened like that. He became vaguely aware of fingers undoing his tunic, and he started to grasp and pull indiscriminately at the leather under his hands.

“Kryten might walk in at any moment.” _What am I saying?_ ”To clean. You know how serious he is about cleaning. Especially after adventures - ” he whimpered. He always did when he felt flesh meet flesh.

“We’ll risk it.”

“Right. Space heroes.”

“Yes.”

Later, as they sprawled naked on the chair, worn out and satisfied, Rimmer pressed his lips to Lister’s temple. _I love you._

\------

Lister had had his own reasons for suggesting the cockpit. A certain dream from long ago, after he’d sent Rimmer off to be a space hero, was on his mind lately. Now that Rimmer was back and they were closer than ever before, Lister had needed to put things right. It didn’t make much sense, but he felt vindicated, somehow, especially when they were clinging together after each falling apart at the other’s touch.

He raised a hand to stroke Rimmer’s curls. He registered the grey streaks in them, the lines that showed even on his resting face. Lister’s breath hitched as he remembered Rimmer as he had been, all smooth skin and bones and wild hair. They were growing old together.

But they were together, at least. What an incredible privilege to have had someone — how had Rimmer put it? — give him the best years of his death. Even more incredibly, here they were, years and years later, sharing a blanket and shielding each other from the black emptiness of deep space. Together…

Suddenly, Lister understood. His eyes filled with tears as he considered the man sleeping next to him, who wanted nothing more or less than to belong completely to him. He could give Rimmer that; more importantly, he wanted to. He was ready to give everything he had.

Lister put his lips close to Rimmer’s temple. “I love you,” he whispered. It was the right thing to say, but he knew Rimmer couldn’t hear him.

 _Tomorrow. I’ll tell him tomorrow._ Smiling ear to ear at that thought, Lister drifted off into the first decent sleep he’d had in days.


End file.
